school is not for me

Never in my life that I became an honor student or even got the covetous Latin honor when I was in college. So whenever I listening to someone’s valedictory address I can’t help myself to get envious about their momentous success. Hearing such made me wished that I could have their extraordinary wits, and made me wondering if I dished out their brain and put it into mine, would I be like them? Like them that are so good enough to fit in this competitive world.

Why I was never been an honor student? It was all begun during my grade schooling days. At that period of my life, I had difficulty understanding our school textbook even if somebody was tutoring me. Thus, I was usually losing focus to the lessons that my teacher discussing about. While my classmates expressed their hungriness from learning, me, I always imagining things and wishing that the classes was over so I could watch my favorite Cartoon Network shows. I knew, from that time, I was far too different from the bright children that would be, as expected by their parents- a doctor, lawyer, politicians, and other most regarded professions someday.

It continued when I was in high school. I never pushed myself to study hard because I knew I couldn’t be as good as those of my classmates wearing .50m graded eyeglass. My priority in high school was just to pass it. Never aimed to be on top because no matter how I studied hard, even I burnt all my eyebrows by late at night studying of lessons, I could never got a chance to be Validectorian. So why I should stress myself, right? High school life supposedly spent for the fun things in life because it is the time of your life when you truly live young. I have to experience falling in love, late-at-night hanging out, scrolling in the plaza, cutting classes sometimes, and sleep over. With that in mind, I never forced myself digesting bits of information especially in Mathematics. Those tangents and co-tangents, 360 degrees triangle, problem solving things were never been my friends, as a result I taken exams in Mathematics subjects several times just to get a passing mark.

Then, college came. It was really far different life. At this stage, realizations were strike hard. How I wished I studied hard in high school so I wasn’t overwhelmed by all the pressures demanded by college life. I was humiliated because of my bad grammar, and my poor public speaking skills given the fact that I was a Communication stude. My reasoning and thinking skills were not enhanced well unlike those my classmates who spoken and written well-polished essays and speeches. I’d taken Trigonometry two times because I dropped it. I felt hopeless when I was in college, popping in my head the classic ‘what ifs’ like ‘what if I studied hard when I was in high school?’, ‘what if I taken all the challenges in joining extracurricular activities so my interpersonal skills was highly developed’; however, I couldn’t turn back the time. I knew the blame was on me, not in my highschool life.

What moved me to change was seeing the disappointment registered in my parents eyes whenever I showed to them my grades. It is kind of depressing especially knowing that my older sister is consistently on the dean’s list while me is a sole loser that luckily able to get of almost passing grades. My parents are working hard just to send me to college, while me, even if they didn’t express it, they only wanted to see that I am doing my best as token for all their toils. I did. I tried. So the fruit of my hardships, I graduated in college on time sans with any awards and honor.

After college, I started to experience the real cruelty of life. I proved all advices of my parents about life were true. That outside world is really a survival of the fittest, and competition is really tight. That me, is definitely not good enough. I’m only good for nothing, a-nothing-young -immature-guy who don’t know what to do his life but only to have fun. But not all will be given on a silver platter especially if you don’t have connections. So I started from the bottom and sweat. Being on the bottom, I couldn’t stop myself thinking on past events in my life, I had so much fun that I neglected to prepare for my future. I made terrible mistakes, my young age should be a starting point in establishing a backbone. Good grades really matter especially nowadays wherein all are measured by numbers.

At the end of it all, I think it is still not late for me to change. I may not be the one who delivered valedictory address or good enough from others, but I am shoving myself to fight harder to also get an ace in this competitive world that runs by self-entitlement and designations under people’s name.